@benzogaga33 "We don't feel comfortable accepting patches from or relating
to hardware produced by your organization".

Mmhhh, is that stance based on any past dubious behavior by

PRESS RELEASE

FOR IMMEDIATE DISTRIBUTION

Subject: Rising Threat of Smooth Jazz Teen Gangs

Local authorities are issuing a warning to parents: smooth jazz is no longer just elevator music. It has become the soundtrack of a new wave of teenage delinquency sweeping across suburban parking lots and convenience stores.

Background

What began as a well-intentioned corporate initiative to discourage loitering at 7-Eleven has backfired spectacularly. The piping of smooth jazz at high volume was intended to drive teenagers away. Instead, it gave birth to something far more dangerous: organized gangs of smooth jazz teens.

These groups are disciplined, stylish, and frighteningly well-synchronized. They clap on the offbeat. They communicate through extended bass solos. They recruit through Slurpee-based initiation rituals. And they are spreading.

Warning Signs for Parents

If your child exhibits any of the following behaviors, they may already be under the influence of smooth jazz gangs:

• Wardrobe Shifts: Sudden preference for pastel suits, loafers, or silk shirts buttoned down to the solar plexus.
• Rhythmic Clapping: Persistent clapping that falls just slightly “off” from normal time signatures.
• Strange Cassettes: Discovery of Spyro Gyra, George Benson, or Kenny G tapes hidden under the mattress.
• Suspicious Beverages: Slurpee cups that smell faintly of boxed wine.
• Language Changes: Referring to parking lots as “Carnegie Hall.”

Recommended Parental Action

Parents are urged to remain vigilant. Do not underestimate the allure of a smoky saxophone solo. If you suspect your teen is involved, experts recommend:

• Open Dialogue: Talk to your child calmly about the risks of syncopation.
• Home Interventions: Replace jazz CDs with something safer, such as polka.
• Community Support: Attend the upcoming seminar “It’s Not Just Muzak: Understanding Smooth Jazz Gangs” at the Community Centre on Thursday evening.

The battle for our youth’s future is not fought with fists or knives—but with flugelhorns and Fender Rhodes keyboards. Together, we can stop the spread of smooth jazz delinquency before every Slurpee machine in town becomes a jazz club.

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